


Alive and Alone

by FlygonRider



Category: DCU, DCU (Comics), Teen Titans (Animated Series)
Genre: Angst, Asexual!Starfire, Background Asexual Jason, F/F, Internalized Acephobia, Mentions of Sex Toys, Mentions of flashbacks, Swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-09
Updated: 2016-06-09
Packaged: 2018-07-13 23:11:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,019
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7142066
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FlygonRider/pseuds/FlygonRider
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It was no longer a bed beneath her but desert sand, and she had to run, run before the Gordanians caught her.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Alive and Alone

**Author's Note:**

  * For [the_authors_exploits](https://archiveofourown.org/users/the_authors_exploits/gifts).



> For the_authors_exploits, who really wanted to see my ace!Starfire angst. I hope you enjoy!
> 
> Reviews are much appreciated.

“Stop,” Starfire’s voice shook even as she pushed Barbara away like she had been burned. When she tried to touch her, her hand was slapped away. “Stop, stop, please, please stop.”

Starfire began shaking all over, wringing her hands and pacing. Suddenly, she turned to Barbara, her eyes wide. “Open window, open now, now!”

Barbara quickly dragged herself across the bed and levered open the window just as Star shoved her out of the way and dived out into the warm night. Barbara pillowed her head on the sill and watched as Starfire leapt, not even flew, from rooftop to rooftop, silhouetted by the nautical twilight.

She didn’t make it far this time, thankfully, stopping after only three roofs. Still in view; there must have been no flashback this time. Barbara fished her cell phone off her nightstand and put in the personal number she had given Dick as a direct line to his communicator.

“Hello?” His voice was soft, and a little bit raspy from thirst, but the fact he had picked up at all was a good sign; he wasn’t on a stakeout or dropping on drug dealers from above.

“Hey, ‘Wing,” Barbara said his name softly, just in case he was near people, “are you gonna be super busy tonight? I need your help.” She paused. “Again.” Starfire had begun kicking at something, probably rocks or moldy cigarette butts.

“Um, shouldn’t be _real_ busy, since both Hood and Robin are patrolling with me. Is it Vega again?”

Vega. Their designation for the alien who had now moved on to throwing her arms in the air in what looked like a failed attempt to curse the gods. Barbara remembered how delighted Star had been at getting her own call-sign, at being important enough to get _another_ name, that she refused to stop floating for at least an hour.

“Yeah, it’s her. She’s close by, I can see her from my window.” Barbara twirled a strand of hair around the tip of her finger and flopped backwards onto the mattress. “I don’t know, do you think you could maybe, I don’t fucking know, talk to her or something? I don’t know, I haven’t got a damn clue. This is the second time it’s happened this week and I don’t know what to do or how to talk to her about it.”

A moment of silence, then he came back. “Sorry, had to swing across a street. I’ll be there as fast as I can.”

He hung up before Barbara could say anything else, leaving her free to take up her old position.

After a couple minutes, another silhouette joined Starfire on the rooftop, and sat down next to her. Barbara could faintly see Nightwings blue finger stripes against the encroaching darkness. Below, at street level, lights began coming on and shining through windows as people came home from work. Across the road, three floors below her, somebody turned on their TV, glowing blue through the open curtains.

But Barbara didn’t notice any of that, only having eyes for the scene taking place too far away for her to be of any help. It was aggravating, watching them and being here, able to do nothing. Her fingers brushed against her phone, wanting badly to listen to Starfire’s voice, ask how was she feeling, but at this point, it might end up spooking her into never coming back.

Nightwing stood up, offering her a hand, and together they came back to the apartment, crawling through the window again.

“Go get some juice,” he told Starfire as she left towards the kitchen. Barbara set herself down in her chair and looked at him.

“Well, did she say anything?” He held up his hands in the classic sign for “wait”.

“Hey, hey, I just barely got her to come back here. She was dead-set on running away and starting a new life in Florida. Let’s give her a little time, okay?”

Barbara crossed her arms and relented. She was not a woman of patience. When she needed information, she got it.

But people weren’t like computers, and this was one mystery that couldn’t be solved by pressing buttons.

She wheeled down the hallway into the kitchen, and over to the dining room table. Starfire was sitting across from her, hands curled loosely around a cup, while Dick was rubbing figure-eights across her shoulders. His mask was gone, laid out flat on the table.

“Do you wanna talk first?” Dick asked her. “Or me?”

“No, it is fine. I will speak for myself.” Star tossed back the rest of the glass, then set it to the side. “Friend Barbara, I apologize for my behavior earlier. I was…compromised, mentally?” She gestured near her head, then swore in Tamaranian. “English is hard right now. Do you understand what I am trying to say?”

“Flashback. That’s the word you’re looking for,” Dick offered. 

“Yes, flashback. Thank you. I could not remember for a minute. But yes, I nearly had a flashback.”

“But then what about all the other times?” Barbara leaned forward, setting her elbows on the table. She thought back to when Starfire would refuse to kiss her on the mouth, or when she would curl up on the floor and shrug off any contact, or even the time Barbara had brought home a vibrator in desperation and Star couldn’t bear to look at it. “The times you refused to go any further, what about those? Every time, Star!”

Starfire flinched, and looked away as Barbara felt guilt press her lungs tight. She hadn’t meant to snap, not really, but that impatience had reared up and shoved words out before she could even think.

“Truthfully, I do not know, Barbara. All I do know is it feels wrong when you tell me to touch you like that, as if I have eaten something rotten and it is threatening to come back up.” Barbara put her head in her hands, and pushed away Dicks comforting touch. “Please, do not by angry Barbara, I promise I am telling you the truth!”

“Is it me?” She slapped her hands against the table. “Am I really that…gross, that-“ a thought hit her, followed by a split second of rage, “-delicate that you think if you hold my hand wrong, I’ll break a bone? Is that what this is about? Your pity?”

Instantly, she knew it was the wrong thing to say. Starfire rocketed to her feet, her mouth opening and closing several times like she had just lost the exact words she needed. She turned to Dick, looking like she was on the verge of crying.

“Okay, that’s _enough_ , both of you. Star,” Dick pointed at the down the hallway, “fire escape. Babs, kitchen, until you two can talk for five minutes without it turning into a screaming match.”

Starfire fled the room, and Barbara rolled herself into the kitchen to wait for Dick. She could hear him on his communicator, checking in with Jason and Damien.

After a couple minutes, Dick came in, mask in hand, and hopped up onto the counter.

“So, you think you’ve calmed down enough to talk to her?” He asked before opening the cabinet next to him. He fished out the box of Starfire’s favorite crackers and began putting them in his mouth two at a time. When he looked at the label, his eyes widened. “Oh shit, these’re Star’s, aren’t they? Well, too late, I’m starving; they’re already in my mouth.”

“Yeah, you can bring her in here, if she’s willing.” Barbara waved her hand dismissively, and he left, taking the box with him.

He came back, dragging Starfire by the wrist, who was taking tiny nibbles out of one of her crackers. She sat next to Dick, and Barbara wasn’t quite sure if the emotion she felt was jealousy, guilt, or a mix of both.

“Okay, first, apologies.” Dick said as he put the box back. “Babs, you go first.”

“Star,” Barbara folded her hands in her lap, “I’m sorry, for what I said before. I know you don’t pity me. I’m just so used to people looking at me like I can’t take care of myself that I guess I had a knee-jerk reaction.”

“I apologize also, Barbara. I did not mean to offend you, just try to describe what I was feeling.”

“Do you feel like that every time we get…intimate?” Barbara asked. Dick choked and Starfire pounded his back until he stopped.

“Wow, having my exes discuss their sex lives in front of me has got to be up there on the list of most awkward things I’ve ever listened to,” he said. Star punched his arm before grinning, the first time she had smiled all night.

“You are merely envious of our domestic bliss.” Her smile vanished, and she turned back to Barbara. “But yes, I do feel like that. I do not look at you and think of sex. I do not imagine pushing your legs apart and taking you on the countertop.” She looked off to the side, sneering. “Taking. Tell me, do humans have any less ugly expressions, or do they all talk of owning people like prizes?” 

“I don’t know. I wish we did,” Barbara said, and it was true, because Starfire had looked all wrong when she said that, like the destructive, heartless warrior everyone said she was, instead of _Star_ , who knew the exact way to run her fingers through Barbara’s hair and told stories about space to Damian and Colin and once choked on whipped cream during one of Jason’s dares.

“You know, that sounds kinda like what Jason told me awhile ago, like, oh shit what did he call it?” Dick rubbed his chin and sighed. “Crap. I don’t remember. Do you Babs?”

“Asexual, that’s what you’re thinking of.” She remembered when Jason had told her, his cigarette bathing his face in red shadows, how he left it out there like dropping change on the sidewalk.

“Yeah, asexual! Thanks.” He touched the back of Starfire’s hand, his face serious. “Do you think that might be what’s causing your issues?”

“No, absolutely not! I am not a-sex-ual-“ she spat out the word with such venom that Barbara leaned back in shock, “-I am perfectly normal!” The anger left her, and she seemed to slump. “That can not be fixed, just as Jason has said. But I must be able to fix myself.”

“Star, that’s not true-“ Barbara managed to get out before Starfire interrupted.

“Yes it is! You do not understand, Tamaranians are supposed to crave intimacy, and if they do not, they are abnormal, incomplete.”

“And who the hell taught you that?” Dick was angry, Barbara could see plainly in the way his face had twisted up.

“Nobody ever “taught” me.” Starfire shrugged. “It is simply the way things are.”

“No, Star, no it’s not!” Barbara tried to put her emotions into words, and found that there were too many, all colliding and making pile-ups in her stomach. “Do you even know, even realize how unhealthy that sort of attitude is? Okay, okay, let me ask you something. Just one little tiny thing. Are you happy?” When Starfire tried to answer, Barbara cut her off, an ironic echo to just a few minutes earlier. “Don’t lie to me. Face it, you’re miserable!”

Starfire held her gaze for a moment, her lips drawn back slightly, then looked away, and Barbara knew she had won. It didn’t feel like a victory though.

Without warning, Starfire grabbed Dick and jumped off the counter. “I need to leave. Dick, I think I shall patrol with you tonight.” Barbara followed them to the bedroom and stopped at the doorway. “I will be back in the morning.”

“Star, wait, we can talk about this-“ Dick shook his head at her, and she went silent.

Right before she pulled Dick through the window, Starfire looked back at Barbara like she wanted to say sorry, hold her and tell her everything would be okay, but then the moment was gone and so were they.


End file.
